HOMELESS IN A LAND OF PLENTY: PART 4.

 

Chain of Misfortune

HOMELESS IN A LAND OF PLENTY

PART 4:  BILLY

By Jack Random

[According to the National Alliance to End Homelessness, the leading causes of homelessness are:  a lack of affordable housing, job loss, pervasive poverty, mental illness, substance abuse and inadequate services.  This is the fourth and final part of Homeless in a Land of Plenty.] 

BILLY

He wasn’t born an ass.  He had to work on it.  No, it was a family affair.  It takes a village.  He came from a long line of bullies, jerks and fuck-ups.  No one in the Barr family could hold a job for more than six months.  They had construction skills, fix-it and automotive skills but they were asses.  No one could stand to be around them for long and they couldn’t stand to take orders from anyone.  

Billy was working on a personal record at just over three months as a mechanic at the local cannery.  He made a couple of friends he drank a beer or two with after his shift.  He got along with his boss reasonably well.  The guy left him pretty much alone as long as he did his job and he did.  His drinking was under control.  He had a shot of whiskey with his coffee in the morning and that was it until after work.  For once in his sorry life things were looking up. 

His problem was he needed a woman.  There just weren’t many in his circle.  The women who came around the bars he went to weren’t the kind you developed a relationship with.  They were one-night only adventures.  Billy didn’t mind that but he really wanted something more. 

When he met Alice he thought she was special.  He liked her.  He wanted to spend time with her, talk with her, get to know her and go out like normal people.  She had a way about her.  She looked into his eyes like she knew who he was, like she was willing to know, like she was willing to try.  But before he left the bar one of his buddies pulled him aside.

“I know that skank,” he said. 

“Fuck you,” replied Billy.  He was in no mood for this shit.  His mind was set.  He was taking her home. 

“No, man, I know her.  I used to hang out at this place on the west side.  She was a regular.  She’s a skank, man.  She’s a fucking addict.” 

Billy stood there with his mouth open.  He could tell his buddy was as serious as a three-car pile-up.  This was no bullshit. 

“Okay, man.  Thanks for that.” 

Everything changed at that point.  He was surprised Alice even got in the car with him.  He felt like breaking her in two.  He was madder at himself than he was at her though.  How stupid could he be?  If he stopped to think, he could be pretty fucking stupid.  He knew that.  The problem was he allowed himself to get his hopes up.  He allowed himself to believe that a good woman could fall for him. 

“Stupid is as stupid walks,” his father used to say.  Billy had a hard time with that saying.  To him it was just stupid.  His father treated his mother like shit.  Why she stayed around he could never figure out.  Now he figured he was a lot like his father.  After years of working to prove he was somebody else, he saw himself walking in his father’s shoes.  He hated his father.  So now he hated himself. 

He didn’t mean for Alice to tumble over in the street.  It was the rage.  The same rage for which the males of his family were infamous.  It built up and exploded like a whistling teapot.  When it boiled over there was nothing anyone could do.  He stepped on the gas and watched her tumble and lose consciousness as she lay quivering in the street.  It felt like it was happening to someone else.  He felt bad but not bad enough to take responsibility and not bad enough to do anything.  He didn’t call 911.  He didn’t do a goddamned thing. 

The next day he skipped work and started drinking early.  He was pretty drunk when two cops came to his door in the early afternoon.  He hesitated to answer the door but his car was out front and he couldn’t think straight. 

“Are you William Barr?” 

“Yes, sir.”

His speech was slurred and his eyes bounced from side to side like a man with something to hide.  The cop speaking to him was a woman.  That surprised him.  The male cop stood behind her and tried to get a glimpse of the room. 

“Can we come in?” 

Again he hesitated.  If he had any options they didn’t come to him.  Did they know what he’d done?  Had someone seen what happened?  No way.  The cops didn’t care about some skank whore with a story. 

“Sure, officers.” 

When he turned around he realized the mess he’d created in the course of twenty-four hours.  There were pizza boxes and cookie packages and assorted trash everywhere you looked.  If they could arrest him for being a pig he laid the groundwork. 

“I’m sorry it’s such a mess.” 

“No problem,” said the woman.  “Sometimes we get distracted.  We forget to clean the house up.  It happens.” 

“Yeah.” 

He sat on the couch while the cops remained standing. 

“What’s up?” he asked them. 

“Where were you Wednesday evening between six and seven?” 

“Six and seven?” he repeated.  He hadn’t figured out a story.  It didn’t occur to him that he would have to account for his time. 

“That’s right, sir.” 

“Uhm, yeah, I was at O’Brien’s down on Seventh Street.” 

“Is that your story?” the woman cop asked. 

He didn’t know what to say.  He felt his face go flush.  He could never play poker.  People could read him like a cereal box. 

“What’s this about?” he finally sputtered. 

The male cop finally weighed in.  “It’s about a woman who ended up in the hospital because some jerk decided to floor it when she stepped out of the vehicle.  You like hurting women, Billy?  Is that what gets you off?” 

Cameras, Billy thought.  There must have been a camera.  How else would they know?  Still, he decided to play dumb.  “Admit nothing,” his father always said. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“We have it on video,” the woman cop said.  “That motel has a problem with drug dealers so they set up cameras.  They caught the whole thing.” 

He could feel the sweat emerging from his pores, welling on his forehead, revealing the truth of his guilt and shame. 

“It was an accident,” he said. 

“Sure it was, Billy.  Sure it was.  Look, we don’t want to drag your ass down to the station.  We don’t want to book you and throw you in jail.  It’s your lucky day.  We just want you to take responsibility.  We have an agreement drawn up.  You admit no wrong but you agree to pay the woman’s medical bills.  How does that sound?” 

So he was right.  The cops didn’t care.  But the hospital wanted someone to pay.  They had their insurance guy check it out.  Billy shook his head and signed the papers.  In the end he really had no choice.  He could hire a lawyer and go to trial and he’d probably end up doing the same damn thing. 

He skipped another day of work and another day after that.  When he finally showed up they told him he was fired.  They didn’t want his kind around.  Sure.  Who did?  He was pretending to be someone he wasn’t.  When the mask came off he was gone. 

Then the hospital bill came in.  Two thousand for the ambulance alone.  The total came to over five grand.  He was already in debt and behind on the rent.  He maxed his credit cards and destroyed his credit.  No one would give him the time no less a loan.  He was down and out.  He decided his best course of action was to sell everything he could for cash and take off.  He sold his appliances, his TV, his sound system and everything else dime to a dollar. 

Before he could get away clean the repo man got his car and the utility company turned off his power.  He spent what little cash he raised for three days at a cheap motel, a lot of booze and some drugs to ease his pain.  He was done.  They kicked him out.  He was out on the street without a pot to piss in.  He was homeless. 

A homeless brother took pity on him and told him to go down to the bridge.  At least he’d have a place to lay his weary head. 

The bridge people didn’t care who he was or what he’d done to get there.  Most if not all of them had their own ghosts.  After a few days he knew everyone at the camp.  He apologized to Alice, who shook her head and told him she had her own apologies to give.  She told him about Gary who told about Louise.  Louise apologized to everyone.  That’s the way she was.  They were all equal under the bridge and their lives turned over.  The past was buried and the future was a blur.  All that remained was the moment.  Survival was a full time gig.  

Copyright 2019 Ray Miller

HOMELESS IN A LAND OF PLENTY: Part 3.

 

Chain of Misfortune

HOMELESS IN A LAND OF PLENTY

PART 3:  ALICE

By Jack Random

[In September 2018 the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals held that it is unconstitutional to prohibit homeless individuals from sleeping in public parks or on the streets if there are inadequate shelters.  While subject to Supreme Court review, the ruling is a reminder that you cannot legislate the homeless out of existence.  Since that ruling, tent cities have sprung up in parks and open spaces, reminiscent of the Hoovervilles in the era of the Great Depression.]

ALICE

She’d been through it all before.  Eviction notices, drug deals gone bad, jail and bail, abandonment and betrayal.  She had a way of looking at things that was at once almost enlightened and supremely callous.  She believed that people were fundamentally good but they were governed by their immediate needs.  She didn’t hold grudges and she didn’t blame people for the things they did.  It wasn’t that she didn’t care.  She did but it didn’t matter.  She did what she had to do.  It was all a calculation.  What would give her the best chance of surviving until tomorrow? 

She missed Gary.  Now that they turned off the power she missed his warm body next to hers more than ever.  Now she needed someone else to help her make it through the days and nights.  She went looking where she always went: the local bars.  She knew better than to go to the same bar all the time.  Word got around.  The bartenders knew Alice.  They knew she was always on the make.  Always.  They knew she was always about the drugs.  They knew she was trouble.

She walked halfway across town to a bar she’d never been before.  She walked in, sat at the bar, batted her eyes and waited.  She was still young enough and healthy enough to attract the attention of the average bar going man. 

It was late afternoon and the bar was in the process of filling up.  It was a workingman’s bar – a few women but mostly men.  They were sweaty, grimy and looking for a way to leave the day’s labor behind them.  A few of them had their eyes on Alice and she had her eyes on them.  She looked them over and measured their worth.  They had jobs.  That was a major plus.  It meant they probably had cars or trucks or vans – some means of getting around.  They all fell short of good looking but all kinds of problems came with good looking.  None of them were flat-out ugly.  One of them had no wedding band.  That was a plus. 

She made her choice and gave him a look that he understood.  He exchanged a few words with the guys he came in with and strolled over to her place at the bar. 

“How you doing?” 

He was a little shy with women.  She liked that – as long as he wasn’t stupid about it. 

“I’ve had better days,” she opened. 

“Can I buy you a drink?” 

She motioned to the stool next to her and nodded. 

His name was Billy and she could tell it had been a while since he had a woman to warm his bed.  He was hungry and she liked that.  It enhanced the odds of getting what she needed.  She did not find him attractive but she liked the prospects of using him.  She could lead him.  She could persuade him to do her bidding. 

It took three drinks in a little over an hour.  She realized it was up to her.  He was shy or so it seemed. 

“Would you like to get out of here?” 

“Sure.” 

She climbed into his car and talked about nothing.  Because he didn’t say and he didn’t ask, she assumed they were going to his house or apartment or whatever his place of residence was.  He stopped for a six-pack of beer before he pulled up to a cheap motel by the freeway.  It was then she knew she had made a mistake. 

“What are we doing here?” 

“I’ve got money.  Don’t worry about it.” 

She was a long way from home – Gary’s home but it didn’t matter – and on the wrong side of town. 

“I thought you were a nice guy.  Can you just give me a ride home?” 

“Look, everyone knows what you are.  If you don’t want to put out, fine.  Get the fuck out of my car!” 

She took a breath and surveyed her options.  They were all bad.  She could get out and walk back to Gary’s house.  She could hitch a ride.  She could demand that Billy give her a ride.  She could play along and get the money.  She could be the whore he expected her to be. 

She had to wonder how she arrived in this place.  She had to wonder how she lost her family, her friends – everyone she cared about and everyone who ever really cared about her.  When did it happen and why?  She was a good girl for the longest time.  She had friends who shared her ambitions.  She wanted to be a cheerleader.  She thought she might be a secretary.  She could do that.  She could do whatever she wanted to do.  But that was before her Uncle Johnny abused her.  Abused her?  What kind of euphemism was that?  He took her into a closet, held his hand over her mouth and ripped her panties off.  He took her childhood.  He took her innocence.  He took her naiveté and with it all her hopes and dreams.  It robbed her of whatever confidence she might have developed. 

He did what he did over and over until she finally found the courage to tell her mother – a lot of good that did.  She said she didn’t believe her but Alice knew better.  She believed her but she didn’t want to believe her.  She was holding on to her life by the thinnest thread.  She couldn’t let go.  Not for a second.  She let her own daughter be consumed by the monsters in her life. 

Billy reached across her and opened the door. 

“Get the fuck out!” 

Her mind in a fog of rage, she grabbed his arm and shoved it away from her.  She stepped out of the car just as he gunned it.  Her head slammed into the pavement and she lost touch with the world around her until she found herself strapped to a gurney being loaded into an ambulance. 

She went in and out of consciousness, catching glimpses of the waking world as she went.  In the ambulance a man asked her questions that she could not understand – scattered words without real meaning.  Someone poked a hole in her arm and ran a tube to a plastic bag filled with some mysterious liquid.  She blacked out long enough that she didn’t remember being taken from the ambulance. 

She came to in the emergency room.  She recognized the sterile, Clorox smell.  If she weren’t sick already it would have got her there.  She remembered the time her and a friend wrecked a car to gain admittance in a gamble that they would offer the drugs that kept them alive and ticking.  It worked once or twice but they caught on.  She was put on a list.  No hospital within twenty miles would give her any form of opiates.  The nurses and the doctors knew her here.  They knew she had no insurance and no means of paying the hospital even a fraction of what she owed yet they still asked the same questions. 

Who’s your next of kin?  Is there anyone we can call?  Do you have insurance?  Do you have a job?  Where’s your place of employment?  Where do you live?  Is there anyone who would come?  Is there anywhere you could go? 

It was like one of those movies where people keep asking the same questions no matter how many times you give the same answers.  No, she didn’t have a job.  No, she didn’t have insurance.  No, she didn’t have anywhere to go and no one gave a shit what happened to her. 

They gave her extra strength Tylenol and released her the moment she could walk.  They didn’t care what had happened.  The cops didn’t care.  The doctors and nurses didn’t care.  She was worthless.  She was less than worthless.  She was a burden to her community.  She was a drug addict and she was out on the streets. 

A cop gave her a ride to the nearest shelter but they were booked.   She knew they would be.  It seemed to her the shelters were always full and even if they weren’t, they were closed to druggies like her.  They had a list and she was on it.  She went to the only place she knew that wouldn’t turn her away:  the homeless community under the bridge.

Copyright 2019 Ray Miller / aka Jack Random

HOMELESSNESS IN A LAND OF PLENTY: Part 2.

 

Chain of Misfortune

HOMELESS IN A LAND OF PLENTY

By Jack Random

[The Department of Housing and Urban Development estimates that there were about 554,000 homeless people in the United States.  Just over 50% were single males.  About 25% were single females.  About 23% were families with children.  Almost 40% were individuals under the age of eighteen.  From October 2009 to September 2010 an estimated 1.6 million experienced homelessness at some point in time.] 

GARY

He drank a bit too much.  It was in his genes.  His father drank too much.  Sometimes it seems that whole generation drank too much.  They drank themselves to sleep, got up in the morning and went to work.  They were functional alcoholics.  It was a way of navigating the journey of life.  In what was supposed to be the good old days the good old boys wanted nothing more than to escape the daily drudgery. 

Gary learned early that he couldn’t drink like his father did.  He drank on weekends, he drank to celebrate and he drank to commiserate.  The first time he drank Scotch it was a bonding experience.  The taste was so repulsive it almost came up before it went down and that made his father laugh.  It took years to develop a taste for it and years to leave the taste behind.  He had too many sessions at the porcelain throne, too many nights with dry heaves and too many mornings hung over. 

So here he was again. 

He went to the bar not long after she left.  Who knows?  Maybe he thought he’d see her there.  He didn’t.  He drank.  After a few at the bar he went to a liquor store and bought a bottle.  He drank to get drunk.  How long had been since he’d done that?  Two years?  Three?  The more he drank the less he remembered. 

Louise let him down.  It was her fault.  It was always someone’s fault.  Now he sounded more like Louise or his mother.  There was always someone to blame.  Someone called and wanted to know if he’d come up with bail money.  Not a chance.  So Louise managed to get arrested in one day.  He didn’t want to hear it.  He hung up and hung up again when she called from jail. 

He called in sick and went back to the bar the next day.  After a second scotch he met a woman – the kind of woman that hangs out at a bar during working hours.  He didn’t care.  He wanted a shoulder and she had two.  They bought another bottle and she went home with him.  Three days later he realized she had moved in.  He hadn’t bothered to call in to work.  When he did he lost his job. 

Fuck it, he thought.  It wasn’t much of a job anyway. 

Her name was Alice.  She had a lot of problems – even more than he did.  In a way it gave him comfort.  She needed him more than he needed her.  It took a while for him to understand that she needed him as a means to get what she really needed – America’s latest addictive rage:  Fentanyl.  It was a long and heart-breaking story.  He was sure of it even though she didn’t have time to tell it and he didn’t have the inclination to hear it.  Everybody has a story.  Every story ends in tragedy.  Fuck it.  It doesn’t matter. 

They lived as they lived in squalor and chaos until the bills started coming and he realized he was out of money.  He had lost track of time.  How many days had gone by?  How many weeks?  In a moment of clarity he saw what he had become and the misery piled on like a mountain of stone. 

When she offered, he accepted.  One pill couldn’t hurt.  Could it?  No.  It helped.  It helped a lot.  The pain floated away like smoke in the wind.  All his worries became distant shadows.  He had no worries.  Another pill and he had no pain.  Another and all the jagged pieces fit together like God’s divine plan. 

Want became need and every particle of his being changed.  At long last he found his religion, his sainthood and his martyrdom.  He became the one true child of God.  A sensation of elation, lifting his spirit off the earth and rising to the stars, overwhelmed him.  Euphoria, wonder, glory and devotion:  They were all at his command. 

Someone shook him and called to him from another world.  He did not wish to leave his place of comfort and elation but the caller persisted.  It was a woman and she was vaguely familiar.  She cried and sniffed and wiped away tears. 

“Wake up, baby!”

It was Alice and something was happening.  He had neglected the simple necessities of this life for so long that it shocked him when he returned.  Alice was his angel of truth, his deliverance and protector.  She opened the doors to this experience and she demanded to be heard.  She owned him. 

“Baby, wake up!” 

“What is it?” he mumbled through the fog and mists of a million dreams and landscapes of fantastic origin.  Why had she taken him from his utopia? 

“Thank God,” she gasped.  She held his head and stroked his hair, painting his face with kisses of genuine affection.  “I thought I lost you!” 

She had a needle in her hand.  It was Narcan – the antidote to an overdose.  He didn’t know she had a dose.  The stuff was expensive – too expensive when you needed every cent to pay for Fentanyl.  Maybe she cared about him after all.  Maybe she was the only one who cared. 

“Where’d you get the Narcan?” he mumbled. 

“At the clinic.  They know me down there.” 

“How long was I out?” 

“I don’t know.  I wasn’t here.” 

“Where were you?” 

“Out.  Who cares?  I came home and there you were.  I saved your life.” 

It was true.  He knew it was true but paranoia came with territory.  Could he trust her?  No.  He couldn’t trust anyone.  He almost died and still the only thing he could think about was securing his supply. 

If he were being honest he would have to admit he’d been in this place before.  The drug was different and he was older now but he had been in a very similar place.  If he were honest he would admit he had an addictive personality.  Addicts saw it in him in a flash.  Alice saw it.  He’d been addicted to cocaine, methamphetamine, crack and heroin.  He wrestled with all the old demons and emerged from an ocean of deep dark hell.  If he were being honest this was just one more relapse in the series that was his adult life.  But he was not being honest.  He was lying to himself and everyone else.  He lied to Louise but he always thought she knew.  He’d been clean for a couple years before he met her.  A few beers after dinner.  Straight and narrow.  But there was a reason he lost all contact with his family.  There was a reason all his friends were recent. 

“Baby, we’re almost out,” said Alice. 

She didn’t have to say what they were almost out of though they were almost out of everything – food, drink, cleaning products, toilet paper, toothpaste, deodorant and anything else you can think of.  The last time he looked there were a few beers in the refrigerator and nothing else. 

“Almost?” 

“Yeah, babe.” 

“How much more do we have?” 

She pulled out a baggie revealing five lonely pills.  The way they were going it wasn’t enough to last the night.  He knew Alice was probably holding out on him but not by a lot.  She probably had four or five more.  He’d deal with it when the time came. 

“Do we have any money?” 

He knew the answer but asked anyway.  Together they might have enough to get a meal at MacDonald’s but not enough for what they needed. 

“We could sell some things,” she suggested. 

“Like what?”

“The TV, stereo, silverware, whatever…” 

“I got to go back to work,” he said glumly.  “Shit, we won’t make much selling all this crap.” 

She knew he was right.  She knew a guy who fenced stolen goods from junkies and other lowlifes.  He wouldn’t give much for the everyday bullshit.  It was just an opening to get the dialogue going. 

“We could sell your truck.” 

He hesitated.  She could feel him tense up.  Selling his truck was a major turn.  It was only three years old and in good shape.  He could get five to seven grand beyond what he still owed.  But he needed that truck to get to work.  If he sold it he was admitting that he had no intention of getting another job and playing it straight.  If he sold the truck there was no turning back. 

“Forget it,” said Alice.  She had to stay ahead of him.  It had to seem like it was his idea.  She’d been through this before and she’d learned a few things.  She wanted to get all she could out of this.  It was not that she didn’t like him or that she thought he deserved it.  It was just business.  She was not getting any younger.  There’s a limit as to how long a girl can get away with this shit. 

“Have you got any other ideas?” he said.  He knew she did.  He knew the kind of woman she was.  If he didn’t know in the beginning, he knew by now.  She was all about the fix. 

“I know a guy,” she said.  “He could use your truck.” 

He climbed out of the sofa and found his way to the window.  It was already sundown.  He had completely lost any sense of time. 

“Call him.  See what he’s got.” 

The truth would not have surprised him.  She had already called him.  Alice was a woman who thought ahead.  So she went through the motions and came back with a gig.  That’s what they called it – like they were some kind of traveling band. 

“Yeah,” said Alice.  She handed him a slip of paper with an address scribbled on it.  “He says you should show up here at three A.M.  He’ll give you a thousand bucks to drive a shipment across town.  Two thousand if you drive it to Vegas.” 

“Two thousand?”

“Yeah.” 

“And that’s all I have to do?” 

“That’s it.” 

“You trust this guy?”

“I do.” 

He let it settle.  Of course there were some details missing.  It was too good.  But when it came down to it, what choice did he have? 

“What’s the merch?” he wondered. 

“Golf clubs.  Yeah.  It turns out people pay a thousand dollars for one golf club.  There’s a warehouse that just got a shipment.  JD knows where it is.  His guys crash the warehouse, load up the stuff and you drive off.  Pretty simple.” 

Unable to fully grasp how low and how fast he had fallen, he let it settle.  He was not only considering a job as a driver for a stolen goods operation, he knew he would accept it.  He had no choice.  That’s the thing about addiction.  Need trumps want every time.  You want to do the right the thing but you need that pill.  You have no choice.  Alice knew that better than he did. 

He showed up at the appointed time and place, high and ready for action.  JD met him in the parking lot of a closed department store and told him to wait in the corner outside the light of the street.  Gary could tell straightaway JD and his crew of two men were cranksters by the way their eyes darted back and forth. 

“Give me your phone,” said JD.  He plugged in his number.  “You call me if something happens.  Got it?” 

“Got it.” 

“If no one shows in thirty minutes, take off,” JD said. 

“Right,” replied Gary with a glance at his phone. 

He waited exactly twenty-four minutes before they pulled up and loaded his truck with four long cardboard boxes.  It looked like there was room for maybe fifty clubs – a haul worth fifty grand.  They covered the load with a plastic tarp and tied it down good while JD took care of business.  He handed Gary five crisp one hundred dollar bills and a slip of paper with an address in Vegas. 

“What’s this?” said Gary. 

“Gas money,” said JD.  “You want me to come with?” 

“No, I’m good.” 

“Alright.  You deliver the goods, pick up the cash and call me when you get back.  We’ll settle up then.” 

“Right.” 

He gave him a look meant to chill him to the bone.  It worked. 

“Don’t even think about fucking me over.  I know where you live,” he smiled, revealing the dental condition of a man long lost on meth. 

“Don’t worry.” 

He pulled out and headed for the freeway.  Three blocks later he thought he noticed someone following him.  Two blocks down he turned right and was greeted by the twirling red lights of two black-and-whites blocking his way.  He slowed to a stop as two cars pulled in behind him.  He was busted dead to rights. 

After two weeks in jail Alice sold his truck to make bail.  He was off the drugs but he had no money, no ride and no way to pay the rent.  He struck a deal with the D.A. to turn on JD and his buddies in exchange for time served.  So now he had to worry about JD’s revenge as soon as he managed to get out of jail.

In a matter of weeks everything turned to shit.  His landlord served the eviction notice.  Alice was determined to stay but Gary didn’t have the energy to fight back.  He had no more illusions about her caring for him any more than he cared for her.  Their relationship was all about the drugs.  He packed some belongings and walked down to the bridge where the homeless people had formed a makeshift camp. 

Copyright Jack Random 2019

HOMELESSNESS IN A LAND OF PLENTY

Chain of Misfortune

HOMELESS IN A LAND OF PLENTY

By Jack Random

[There are a thousand reasons for homelessness and a thousand ways to get there.  Every one of them has staked a place in the American landscape.  It’s something we deal with every single day.  We see it on the streets, in front of the grocery store, at the movies and in the parks.  We see it everywhere we go.  It is the dark side of the American story.  In a land of plenty at a time of prosperity the problem of homelessness escapes no community. 

What most towns and cities do and have done for a very long time is pay increasing amounts of money to shove the problem aside.  They used to provide one-way tickets to the next town.  Now they are compelled to allow tent cities under bridges and in parks.  But the homeless population only grows. 

There is an obvious solution to the problem:  Give the homeless homes and provide for essential needs.  Let them work if they can and will.  Whatever the cost it is less than the cost of doing nothing and more effective than what we are doing now.] 

LOUISE

Louise was in love.  Louise was always in love.  You might say Louise was in love with love.  The skeptic would say it was not a genuine love.  It was an infatuation.  The cynic would say she was in love with falling in love.  She fell out of love with the same immediacy as she fell in love. 

She was sixteen the first time she married.  It lasted eight months and ended with an abortion.  She moved back home with her mama who saw herself in her only child.  Her mama had lived with a series of men – each one a little worse than the last – and ended up alone in a trailer park for old people. 

Like mother, like daughter, the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.  There it rots and crumbles into the earth and the cycle begins again.  Her mother was homeless before she died in a state sponsored home for the indigent and helpless.  Louise swore it would never happen to her. 

Then she fell in love.  Like her mother, she fell in love with the wrong man.  How soon did she know it?  It was hard to tell.  Denial was always such a strong force in her personality.  She considered it a strength and it served her well until it no longer served her at all. 

She awoke and knew something had changed.  The space in the bed next to her was empty.  That did not surprise her.  She stayed up late and her boyfriend did not.  He had to go to work early in the morning.  She went out with friends – or so she said.  She had a personal relationship with the truth.  The truth was what she wanted it to be.  No.  Not exactly.  The truth was what she needed it to be. 

The truth she wanted:  She fell in love with a kind and gentle man – a man who would treat her the way she deserved to be treated.  He was in love with her and they were moving in together. 

The truth she needed:  She went out with her girlfriends and had a good time.  What’s wrong with that?  A woman deserves to have a good time. 

The truth she knew but couldn’t accept:  She fell in love with a man who was not in love with her.  He had no intention of splitting up with his wife. 

The truth she didn’t know:  Her boyfriend knew.  A woman he knew saw her and her new man at the bar.  She saw them dance.  She saw them embrace and kiss.  She saw them climb into the back of his car.  They didn’t leave much to the imagination. 

Hung over and listless, she ambled into the living room, made coffee and saw the note on the kitchen table.  It was short and to the point:  I know.  I want you out by the time I get home.  She broke into tears without fully understanding why.  The truth was surrounding her, cornering her and pushing her out the door.  She looked around the familiar apartment and realized she was looking for options she didn’t have.  She’d been in this position too many times before and burned every bridge on her way out. 

She called her mother in tears and left a message:  Please mom!  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t have any money and Gary is kicking me out!  I know it’s a lot to ask.  I know.  But I need some help and I don’t know where to turn… 

A man called back and told her never to call again.  Her mother had told him all about her.  She wanted nothing more to do with her.  She had her own problems and was in no position to help. 

Louise could hear her mother crying and it broke her heart.  She had broken her mother’s heart more times than she wanted to remember.  But she did remember.  She remembered being stranded a thousand miles from home – no ride, no car and no money.  She remembered being evicted from her slumlord apartment with nowhere to go and no one to ask for help.  She remembered the time a collection agency repossessed her car at work.  She remembered every single time with an ugly, bitter taste.  She remembered telling her mom it wasn’t her fault and she believed it.  It was never her fault. 

It wasn’t her fault now.  She couldn’t help it.  She was born to make the same mistakes over and over.  The problem was she fell in love with the wrong man every single time.  She hooked up with the right man or at least the reliable man but fell in love with the wrong man. 

What could she do?  Maybe she could talk her way out of it.  She’d done it dozens of times before.  But she was older now and not as good looking as she once was.  Men were always more willing to believe the younger woman, the more attractive woman, the woman who knew how to satisfy her man. 

Was she up to it?  It took a lot out of her.  She would need all the energy she had to do whatever she had to do.  She had maybe five hours before her boyfriend came home.  She knew how that would go.  She was guilty.  He warned her many times that he would not stand for cheating.  There would be no discussion.  She had to get out.  She packed her travel bag and sat down to make a list of anyone who might help her.  She had about fifty dollars in her purse.  She could probably scrape up twenty more around the house.  If she had to, she could pay for a night or two at a cheap motel.  Months ago Gary cut her off of the credit card.  She couldn’t blame him.  She drank too much.  She spent money she didn’t have.  It was always that way. 

The first time she did this she had maybe twenty names.  It was easy for her to make friends.  It was not so easy to keep them.  She asked too much of people.  No, she demanded too much.  She didn’t even know she was doing it until it was done.  Now she could think of only three people who might answer the phone.  Would they help her?  Would they let her sleep on the couch for a few days?  Would they loan her a few bucks?  Not likely.  The saddest part was in knowing that if she were the one on the other end of the line, she wouldn’t help.  She wouldn’t answer the phone.  She couldn’t even pretend that it was any other way. 

She decided to eat something.  Maybe she’d have a beer.  She had a lot to think about.  If she wanted to survive the next 24 hours she had to put her mind right.  She fixed a sandwich, drank a beer and smoked a roach in the ashtray.  She dialed the first number and hung up before she triggered the message recorder.  It could wait.  She couldn’t handle another rejection today. 

She found a bottle of Jim Beam and had a shot while she rolled a joint.  What harm could it do?  She had hours before she had to clear out.  She might as well use them.  If Gary wanted her out, the least she could do was clear out his whiskey. 

When she woke up the sun was down and someone was behind her, pushing her out the door.  She was shivering from the cold.  She turned to see Gary tossing her a jacket, her purse and her suitcase.  The look in his eyes told her not to push it.  She was out on the street.  She blew it.  She wasted the entire day getting wasted on pot and whiskey and now she was homeless. 

Homeless.  She always knew it was a possibility.  The way she lived her life it was all but inevitable.  Still, she never thought it would happen to her – not in this lifetime. 

She took a look at his eyes as he stood in the doorway.  Cold.  Cold as steel.  She hadn’t known they had arrived at this point.  The affection she once relied on to get through these traumatic moments had vanished like morning mist in the midday sun.  She wanted to cuss him out but she could see it was pointless.  She wanted to start an argument that might lead to his arousal but it wasn’t in the cards. 

“Fuck you, Gary!” she said in almost a whisper.  She accepted her fate as she turned and flipped him off over her shoulder. 

“What next?” she wondered.  She started walking across town to where the cheap motels were located.  Her bones ached and her feet reminded her of how hopeless her situation had become.  She couldn’t remember the last time she walked three miles with a suitcase in her hand.  Now she understood why people bought suitcases with wheels while she stuck with the old school model.  Her arms ached as she shifted from one side to the other and kept on walking. 

“Hey, babe,” the man said through the window of his BMW.  “You need a ride?” 

She tried to gage his intent and came up wanting.  Her mind could no longer function in a logical way.  Tired.  She threw her suitcase in the back seat and climbed in while he looked her over.  She should have known right then.  Maybe she did.  Maybe she no longer cared. 

“Where you headed?” he inquired. 

“Seventh Street,” she replied. 

He smiled and she recoiled.  She knew exactly what that meant in the mind of this man.  He was picking up women and she was headed where women hung out. 

“What a coincidence,” he said. 

She rode in silence, not hearing whatever he had to say, wondering how she could get out of this without spilling blood.  His or hers, it didn’t matter.  Blood would be spilled and some of it would leave a mark. 

“Let me out,” she said in a quiet, measured tone.  She was not alarmed – not yet.  She was only acknowledging her mistake.  She took note of the signs she missed: the tattered upholstery and the man’s yellowed skin and eyes.  The car rattled like an old washing machine.  He wore his shirt partly rolled up and she could see tracks from where he shot up his poison. 

“No worries, babe,” he said as he pulled the car over and parked in an abandoned industrial section of town. 

She decided not to worry about her suitcase in the back seat and grabbed the latch to open her door.  It wouldn’t budge.  The asshole rigged it.  He’d done this before.  The questions that remained:  What did he want and could she take him?  She was a hell of lot tougher than she looked. 

“How much money you got?” he said. 

“Fuck you!” 

In a strange way she felt relief.  He wanted money so he wasn’t after sex and he probably wasn’t a rapist.  Then again she couldn’t rule anything out. 

“Look, babe, I don’t want to hurt you,” he said as he lifted his jacket, revealing a hunting knife in its leather sleeve.  “I just want your money.” 

She handed him her purse.  He pulled out her cash and smiled as he put it in his shirt pocket.  She felt the heat of rage rise up in her like lava in a volcano. 

She threw herself at him and grabbed his hands just as he pulled the knife out.  He looked stunned by her strength and fear entered his eyes.  She kept her left hand on his, holding the knife in place, and jabbed her right fist into his throat.  He caught it with his left hand and found the strength to raise the knife toward her.  She grabbed it with both hands and forced it into his chest. 

Bleeding, he opened his door and stumbled out onto the street.  The blood covered his shirt.  He lost all interest in the woman and her money.  He didn’t know how bad it was but he knew he needed help.  He took a few steps toward the part of town where people were before he fell flat, gasping for air. 

Louise held the knife in her hand, watching him as he stumbled and fell.  The fear of being assaulted was now replaced by the fear of being accused.  She knew what it looked like.  Her prints were on the knife.  His blood was on her clothes.  What were they doing in this part of town?  It looked like she was a whore turning a cheap trick.  It looked like she rolled the man for some cash and things got out of hand. 

She wanted to call the cops but she needed time to think.  If she didn’t handle this right she’d end up in jail on a murder rap. 

Is he dead?  She thought she saw movement.  She had to know.  If he was alive, bleeding in the street, she had to call.  She had to save his life if she could.  Otherwise she really was a murderer. 

She got out of the car and moved to his body.  She stood there for a moment, hovering above him like an angel over the scene of an accident.  She saw him breathe.  Even in the dim light of a distant street lamp, she saw him breathe.  She dropped the knife and pulled out her phone. 

Before she could dial 911 she felt the glare of a cop’s spotlight on her face.  She froze and realized she had just created the perfect frame of a guilty person.  

“Drop it!” the cop yelled.  He must have thought her phone was a weapon.  She complied and held her hands up, palms open. 

“Face down on the ground and put your hands behind your back!” 

They went through the ritual of arrest and detention as if it was a bad movie.  It unfolded in waves of slow motion and ended with her in a closed room with mirrors on one wall where a police detective questioned her.  They clearly thought she was guilty, wanted her to be guilty and pressed her for a confession. 

“Is he alive?” she wanted to know.  They wouldn’t tell her. 

“I want a lawyer,” she said and that put an end to it.  She was placed in a holding cell until a public defender could be located and brought to the station.  She waited and wondered and calculated her next move.  Before long she was stuck in the mire of self-pity and blame.  The whole world conspired against her.  Everyone had it out for her.  There was no one she could trust.  She didn’t deserve any of this. 

She heard a commotion outside her cell but she couldn’t make out the words.  She would later learn from her lawyer that a cop came forward to say that he knew the man who had been stabbed.  He was a hustler and a crook that had picked up women before, taken them to the same location and stolen their money.  The man hadn’t died and was likely to recover.  When he did, the cop said, he couldn’t be trusted to tell the truth. 

The cop had an argument with the arresting officer who wanted to pin an assault and battery charge on her.  When they ran a background check and she came out relatively clean, he dropped the argument.  They let her go. 

“What about my money?” she asked.  “He took my money!” 

“I don’t know anything about that,” the cop said.  “But I can I give you a ride.”

She fell silent and the weight of the world lowered upon her.  She had nowhere to go.  Absolutely nowhere.  She didn’t even have her suitcase.  The cop told her she could get it back tomorrow. 

She walked out of the station and sat on the steps.  So this was what it felt like.  The sense of desperation was just taking hold.  She hated everyone and everything.  Maybe she needed to feel that way just to stay alive. 

A cop offered to take her to a homeless shelter and that’s what she did.  That’s who she was now: a homeless person.  After a few days she got tired of the shelter’s rules and joined the growing community of homeless people under the local bridge.